5 tips for a positive self-esteem
To help children develop a healthy self-esteem, we can support them by nurturing an independent inner voice that reassures them they are worthy, capable, and unconditionally enough - regardless of what others may say. The beautiful truth is that their inner voice is shaped, in large part, by the messages we send. By staying conscious and intentional in what we say (and what we don’t), we can help them build a strong, supportive sense of self.
Here are five simple strategies to help your child develop a more stable, healthy sense of self - one that doesn’t depend on external validation.
What you water will grow
Pay attention to what your child is doing well, and let them know you see it. Celebrate their effort more than the outcome. When something goes right, invite them to think about what they did that helped it happen - this builds confidence and a sense of control. And when things don’t go so well? Remind them it’s okay to stumble. We’re all learning, and you’re right there with them, every step of the way. Always emphasise attitude over end result and progress over perfection.
Appearance: Instead of simply saying, “You look good,” try focusing on how they express themselves.
Some parenting experts suggest avoiding comments about a child’s appearance altogether. While it’s important not to encourage reliance on external approval or place too much emphasis on looks, I believe we can acknowledge their appearance in a way that’s meaningful and affirming.
I like to tell my kids that I appreciate their style and the way they express their personality through what they wear. I’ll say things like, “I love how you’ve put that together - it really shows your creativity and confidence.” This approach celebrates their individuality and encourages them to stay true to themselves, regardless of trends or outside opinions.
Weight: Avoid making any comments about weight—your own, your child’s, or anyone else’s, even in casual conversation.
If your aim is to encourage healthy habits, focus instead on the value of nutritious food, regular movement, and tuning into our body’s natural hunger and fullness signals. Comments about weight, even when well-intended, can significantly harm a child’s self-esteem and body image.
When it comes to how they perceive others, teach them to be kind and supportive, and to value people for who they are - not how they look. This helps shift the focus to qualities that truly matter, like character, kindness, and authenticity.
Achievements and Mistakes: Let your child know that you’re more proud of who they are than what they achieve.
A child who understands that their worth in your eyes isn’t tied to success or failure develops a strong and steady sense of self. They’re more likely to take healthy risks, learn from their mistakes, and feel secure in themselves - without constantly seeking approval from others.
Avoid Comparisons: Refrain from comparing your child to their siblings or friends.
Even well-meaning and seemingly harmless comments like “look what everyone else is doing—maybe you should try that,” or asking what a friend scored on a math test after hearing your child’s result, can encourage them to measure their worth against others. This can increase their susceptibility to peer pressure and the urge to conform.
Action item: In a notebook, create a page labeled “Self-Esteem”:
Reflect on the list above—what areas do you think you could improve? What habits would you like to stop or begin?
Consider any negative or damaging messages you received about yourself as a child that have stayed with you into adulthood. Write these down as a reminder of what you want to avoid repeating.
Do you have any questions on self-esteem? Ask me here.
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“Self-esteem is an intimate experience; it resides in the core of one’s being. It is what I think and feel about myself, not what someone else thinks or feels about me. I can be loved by my family, my mate, and my friends, and yet not love myself. I can be admired by my associates and yet regard myself as worthless. I can project an image of assurance and poise that fools almost everyone and yet secretly tremble with a sense of my inadequacy. I can fulfill the expectations of others, and yet fail my own; I can win every honor, and yet feel I have accomplished nothing; I can be adored by millions, and yet wake up each morning with a sickening sense of fraudulence and emptiness.” - Dr. Nathaniiel Branden, ‘Our Urgent Need for Self-Esteem’.