When your child says negative things about themselves or uses worst-case-thinking
Heads up guys, this is a long one! Pick a time to read this when you’re not rushed and you feel like a little extra info. Grab a cuppa, enjoy, and let me know if you have any questions.
We live in a world where, of course, things won’t always go our way. What we can control, though, is how we react to those things, and our resulting feelings and lesson we learn. How this plays out has a dramatic impact on a self-esteem and emotional experience. The method I am about to teach you is so much better than trying to convince a child that there is no problem, everything is perfect and they should be grateful. Here we will take a challenge (your child’s struggle) and turns it into an opportunity (to help them develop an objective and helpful view of reality, while feeling empowered to act on what needs to be improved). Let me give you an example.
Sam and Josh both forget to bring their homework to school. Sam tells himself: “I am so stupid and forgetful. I can never remember anything.” He believes that the issue is permanent and part of him, and as a result, his self-esteem is affected and he loses motivation. Josh’s parents, on the other hand, have taught him how to empower himself with his thoughts. Josh tells himself: “I forgot my homework at home today. I usually manage to remember. I will write a reminder in my diary to help me remember next time.”
What can we do to encourage our children to think more like Josh, and less like Sam? How can we encourage them to reframe their negative thoughts in a way that can nurture their resilience?
We can make sure the way we talk about ourselves, and the way we talk to them when a challenge arises, is helpful by: choosing accurate, specific and empowering language.
Accurate: What exactly happened? This can help avoid catastrophic thinking.
Specific: To help put the situation into perspective. For example, take note if it was a one time thing.
Empowering: What can be said to help your child understand that they’re still capable? E.g. “Next time we can…”
Modelling this out loud when you’re in a sticky situation is an incredibly effective way to encourage your child to do the same. For example: next time you drop a carton of milk on the floor, instead of saying “I am so clumsy, I always drop things.” Try “I dropped the milk (accurate), it can be easily cleaned (specific). Next time I will put my cup down before I try to take the milk out the fridge.”
One key element worth noting is the importance of understanding the connection between thoughts and feelings. We can sometimes assume that when something happens, we automatically have a feeling about it - but this is not the case. Instead, we have a feeling about the thought that is triggered by the situation. Sometimes the thought is just so quick that it goes unnoticed (but it still impacts self-image and the feeling that results).
So instead of:
Situation —> Feeling
What really happens is:
Situation —> Thought —> Feeling
By empowering ourselves and our kids to reframe thoughts into those that are accurate, specific and empowering, is when we are able to feel more optimistic and motivated in the midst of challenges. This is where true resilience lies.
So, in concrete terms, how can we encourage our kids to reframe their thoughts to be more helpful? This brings me to the action item!
Action Item: It is easy to engage in this process in a way that minimises and belittles your child’s feelings. For example saying “you’re being dramatic, it’s not so bad” is unhelpful. So, what practical steps can we adopt in order to help them keep things in proportion, without forming permanent and negative conclusions?
Next time you hear your child say “I am the worst soccer player” “I am such a bad painter” “I always forget everything at home” or “I am always late” help them reframe their thinking by doing the following:
Example:
After an argument with their friend, your son says “I hate going to my friends’ houses. I never want to do it again.”
Step 1: Connect and empathise: “It sounds like you had a hard time today. I am always here for you.”
Step 2: Challenge his thoughts by getting more specific and accurate. “Do you really hate going to friends houses? What makes you hate it?”
“Charlie got angry with me today. He hates me.”
Again, focus on specificity and accuracy. Does Charlie really hate him? What does hate mean? What did he say? What else could explain whatever he said? Is this always the case when he goes to friends’ houses?
Step 3: Suggest empowering ideas of how next time the outcome can be changed next time. Equip your child with tools we cover that address friendship dynamics.
When he is encouraged to be more accurate and specific he might conclude “Charlie got angry with me. Even healthy relationships have conflict at times. I will try to express myself better next time, and try harder to understand him.”
Step 4: If he needs some extra encouragement, you can remind him of instances in the past where he faced discomfort or conflict with friends, things improved after he put in effort, and the friendship remained. From this he learns that his effort can lead to a favourable result.
It might sound farfetched that a child would be able to adopt this sort of thinking, but it is entirely realistic. With repeated exposure, children can see challenges as temporary, and able to be improved if they try hard.
I would love to hear about how this plays out for you.
Tammy xx