A conversation that will prevent so much misbehaviour
I am going to make this as digestible and actionable as possible (short n sweet) but man o man this is one of the most important pieces of advice I’ve shared to date. It is inspired by the work of Ross Greene, renowned child psychologist and author.
Until now:
You’ve tried setting boundaries and tested a few methods to address the behaviour but it keeps recurring. You find yourself getting reactive to the behaviour in the heat of the moment - in a way that forces you to use power over collaboration - often when at least one person is emotional. The behaviour reoccurs.
Thank g-d there’s a better way:
Because your child wants to do well and they want to succeed. And really, “an unsolved problem is only a surprise the first time it happens.” Ross Greene.
So the behaviour (and thus the unsolved problem causing the behaviour) becomes predictable and thus able to be addressed in advance. Great! Now we we can collaborate outside the heat of the moment, when everyone is calm and connected - setting us up for greater success.
Try this mindset shift:
Like we’ve said many times, a kid who misbehaves is struggling with an emotion - yes. But it’s more than this. They’re struggling with a lack of skill to express themselves and a lack of skills that allow them to respond well to difficulties such as tolerating frustration or problem-solving. What skills can we help nurture? What do they truly need in order to help them meet your expectation?
Instead of focusing on the behaviour:
Focus on why they’re struggling to meet your expectation. Focus on what they need or what skills they need to learn. Engaging them in this process holds a child accountable for their behaviour without sacrificing connection or self-esteem, but rather empowering and motivating them. Research shows that kids are extremely receptive to this sort of collaboration. They jump on the opportunity to heard and to help make decisions.
What will not help us understand why their struggling? Time-outs, punishments, rewards or any other behaviour modification strategy.
So what exactly should we do?
Step 1 - The Empathy Step:
You sit down with your child, with a tone that invites a collaborative, empathic, connected dialogue. The aim of this step is to gather information and understand your child’s concerns. You want to uncover their perspective on why they are not managing to meet your expectation. What are their concerns?
You start with saying “I am very curious. I have noticed…” {what have you noticed? What expectation are they struggling to meet? eg. “I have noticed that you have been struggling to pack away your puzzles after you are done with them.”
You end by saying “what’s up?” or “I would really like to understand what is going on for you?”
Rules - No dismissing. No shaming, only compassion. Really hear them. Because what you think is getting in their way might not be what is actually going on. Reflect back what you hear. Ask if there is anything else you have missed.
Step 2 - Define Adult Concerns:
In this step you have the chance to voice your side - specifically, tell them why your expectation is important. Make sure both yours and your kid’s voices are being heard. The key is to understand each other - the key is not for you to be in control of how this goes.
Step 3 - Invitation:
This is where you aim to collaborate on a solution. The aim is for the solution to be
Achievable.
Realistic.
Mutually satisfactory: meaning it addresses both people’s concerns.
In order to do this you can try saying “I wonder what we can do about… (revisit both parties concerns)”. Ask for your child’s ideas, or suggest some if they can’t come up with any.
If their (or your) idea(s) satisfy all three components, try it for next time. If not, or the expectation is still not met - revisit the process and try again.
Write the solution down to make sure you remember.
This method of problem-solving teaches a child that they are worthy of being heard, and they are not alone. They learn social problem-solving skills and the importance of teamwork. Being a team with your child is more than telling them that you are a team. It is about truly finding strength in difficult times to come together. It is about resolving problems with compassion and empathy. And only as a team can you turn hardships into opportunities: moments to nurture your child’s emotional resilience and make your bond even stronger.
Can’t wait to hear how this plays out in your home. I would love, love (love) to hear from you xx