4 Step Conflict Resolution Technique (to teach your kids).
The other day in an instagram story, I mentioned something that happened during bedtime shananigans. I talked about how it was solved with a simple conflict resolution technique, which many of you wanted to know more about. If you saw the story, skip ahead to where it says “The Technique” down below.
What happened?
The other night I lay down for half a second at 7pm before kid bedtime chaos, and I fell asleep. My hubby Tom went to put my 2yo to sleep and let my 6yo son watch TV while he waited. I woke up at 7:30pm and went to turn off the TV because, firstly, we don’t watch TV during the week (though of course I get why Tom made an exception) and, secondly, it was time for my son to get ready for bed.
My son was not happy about this, to say the least. He started crying, telling me I was being unfair, etc etc etc. You can imagine how a tired 6yo handled this. He seemed disappointed that he didn’t watch as much as he thought, and angry with me for turning it off.
I listened and validated his feelings while I stuck with my boundary, but secretly braced myself for a massive struggle to get this kid to bed.
Suddenly, he stopped crying. “Mama, can we try the 4 steps?” It was as if the option of the 4 steps actually calmed down his nervous system. I could pinpoint the moment he thought of it.
This moment, after a difficult day, was like a rainbow after a storm. It reminded me that these hard experiences are so valuable. He is learning the skills he will need for life - to sort out interpersonal issues with respect, honouring each person’s voice.
We went through the 4 steps (it took about ten minutes) and we cuddled to sleep. I was so proud of him for suggesting this method at such a perfect time and I was so proud of myself for teaching it to him in the past and having faith that he could do it.
I was so proud of us for staying connected in the chaos.
The Technique
I learnt this from author Marshall Rosenberg. He says that during interpersonal issues, these are the steps that each person, in turns, should take:
What did you observe? This should be stated without any assumptions. Eg. I saw that you took my poster off my wall. Without using blaming or accusatory language like “you didn’t care”.
How do you feel? Over time, expanding a child’s emotional vocabulary can help with this.
What do you need? This need is a personal need, and is not specific to the other person. For example: Instead of “I need you to…” a need would be “for my boundaries to be respected”, “for my voice to be heard” etc.
What is your request? For example, I request that you ask me if you want to borrow something.
Engaging in this process allows each person to express themselves fully, making it less likely that they will resort to unhelpful verbal or physical forms of emotional expression. I know this sounds like a lot for a child to grasp but with repeated exposure AND modelling of these steps by parents, it starts to sink in.
Let me know how you go with teaching this to your kids.
Tammy xx