Building Emotional Resilience

This morning I yelled at my kids. We were very late for school and they thought it would be hilarious to lock themselves in the bathroom and not open the door. I felt guilty after, but decided to be even later for school to prioritise an important lesson.

1. I told them I was feeling angry when I had yelled. I told them why, and what it felt like in my body. I told them it was natural and okay. 2. I reflected on how I could have handled it better, without raising my voice. How I’ll try to do that next time, and how I’m sorry I didn’t manage to today. I role-played how it might sound next time if I’m able to better express what I’m feeling at the time. 3. We talked about the importance of repairing relationships after difficult interactions. The fact that I don’t love them any less when they don’t listen. I told them how important it is after all is said and done, to help ourselves back to a relaxed state: to self-regulate. We brainstormed some calming tools: listening to music, playing with a friend.

LABEL. EXPRESS. SELF-REGULATE. I try to keep these three steps in my mind any time my kids need emotional guidance - in this case through me modeling my own experience. I try to force myself to handle the situation this way so that one day they’ll be able to do it effortlessly. It doesn’t feel natural to me at all, but without conscious thought we will inevitably pass down our own less-than-ideal ways of dealing - our destructive habits.

We will inevitably mess up. The question is, and what is thankfully more in our control, is what our kids will learn from it.