4 tips for positive self-esteem
One of my main goals when it comes to helping parents help their kids establish a positive, healthy self-esteem is minimise the effects of the passing comments of others. We want them to have an internal voice that tells them they are worthy, capable and, unconditionally good enough - regardless of what others say. We are blessed that their inner voice is determined largely by what we tell them. If we can remain conscious and mindful in the messages we send, we can foster a healthy inner voice.
Here are 4 quick tips that can encourage your child to have a more stable, healthy perception of themselves instead of relying on others for validation:
Appearance: Instead of telling them they look good, tell them you like how they express themselves.
Some parenting experts recommend not commenting on a child’s appearance at all. I tend to believe that while we don’t want them to rely on external approval or to focus too much on appearance, it is possible comment in a way that is not superficial and shows we notice their effort. I like to tell my kids that I like their style and they way they express themselves through their outfits. I tell them that this sort of individuality and confidence looks good on them. I believe that this will encourage them to stay true to themselves regardless of any trends or opinions.
Weight: Never let your kids hear you comment on anyone’s weight, including yours, theirs, or strangers on the street.
If you are looking to create healthy habits, rather talk about the importance of healthy food choices, regular exercise and listening to our body’s hunger cues. Weight-based comments can have dire effects on their self-esteem. And when it comes to viewing others, teach each them to uplift and support those around them, and to focus on more important, less superficial qualities.
Achievements and mistakes: Make sure they know that you are more proud of who they are than what they do.
A child who knows that their parents’ views of them are unaffected by their mistakes or their accomplishments is a child with a solid, stable sense of self-worth. One who will be less likely to seek validation and approval from outside sources later in life.
Comparisons: Try not to compare your kids to their siblings or friends.
Innocently saying “look what everyone else is doing, maybe you should try that” or asking what their friend got in a maths test after they tell you their result can make your child more likely to evaluate themselves in comparison to others. It also makes them more vulnerable to peer pressure and “following the crowd”.
Action item: In a notebook, make a page titled “Self-Esteem”:
From the list above, what do you feel you could do better? What do you want to stop or start doing?
What hurtful or harmful messages did you receive about yourself as a child that have followed you into adulthood? Write this down as a reminder of what you do not want to repeat.
What questions do you have on self-esteem? Ask me here.
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“Self-esteem is an intimate experience; it resides in the core of one’s being. It is what I think and feel about myself, not what someone else thinks or feels about me. I can be loved by my family, my mate, and my friends, and yet not love myself. I can be admired by my associates and yet regard myself as worthless. I can project an image of assurance and poise that fools almost everyone and yet secretly tremble with a sense of my inadequacy. I can fulfill the expectations of others, and yet fail my own; I can win every honor, and yet feel I have accomplished nothing; I can be adored by millions, and yet wake up each morning with a sickening sense of fraudulence and emptiness.” - Dr. Nathaniiel Branden, ‘Our Urgent Need for Self-Esteem’.