Helping Your Child Disagree
Rules when disagreeing (to guide and to model for your kids):
Actively listening to the other person (i.e giving eye-contact and attention) and welcoming their point of view.
No name-calling or blaming.
No shaming someone else or their ideas.
Speaking in a respectful tone and manner.
Even when these components are satisfied, parents can become triggered when their child disagrees with them. It’s normal, and we’re going to talk about why and what we can do. Because the truth is, the best way to teach children to trust themselves, own their voice and speak their mind is to let them do the same at home.
Why is it so common for parents to find it hard when their child disagrees?
Disagreeing is often confused for defiance. This is a serious misconception. Genuine, respectful, loving relationships hold space for contrary opinions. It is important for our children to realise that they do not have to agree in order to be accepted. It is possible to disagree respectfully.
So many parents were not given a voice when they were kids - as a result, when their kids have their own voice (and unique opinions and views) it can trigger a childhood wound of not being heard.
What happens when disagreeing is seen as bad?
Our children will only be able to accept the parts of themselves that we accept in them, first. As Yung Pueblo reminds us in his book Lighter: “When you cannot accept your own truth, you are moving in the opposite direction of self-awareness. A deep connection with another being is not possible if you are deeply disconnected from yourself.”
What if we would prioritise originality over agreeability?
We would welcome a generation of authentic, free-thinkers whose deep connection with themselves would allow for deep connections with others. We would see less inner-conflict, anxiety and depression. We would see our children practise standing up for what’s right and standing up for themselves. We would see more honesty and compassion: with others and with themselves. And we would see these effects ripple through generations.
May we aim to deeply know our kids and may they know themselves. May they see the love and pride in our eyes as we watch them grow into their own little people, feeling held and supported along the way.
So, what can you do?
Model the above rules with your kids when you disagree with them. Lovingly point out anything they need reminding of (this might be more effective later, when everyone has calmed down). Make sure they know that no matter what happens, you are a team. And ask yourself:
Were you given a voice as a child? What would happen when you disagreed with your parent? Reflect on how this may impact your parenting today.
Reflect on what it feels like when your child disagrees with you. Ask yourself: when was the last time they disagreed with you? What did it feel like? Would you benefit from challenging the thoughts that came up?
Ask yourself what might be a more helpful “replacement” thought for next time your child disagrees. Write it down in your CPC notebook! Some examples:
I welcome my child’s opinions, views and preferences, no matter how contrary they may be to my own.
My child is not going against me by disagreeing with me.
Only when my child can assert their voice with me will they feel comfortable asserting their voice with others.
It is my responsibility how to teach my child to disagree respectfully - not to simply agree.
3. Next time your child disagrees with you, let them know:
I think differently but I think your opinion is really interesting. Tell me more?
Thank you for sharing that with me. I think it’s interesting to hear different point of views.
It’s okay to disagree.
Hope this helps. xx Tammy