Addressing Misbehaviour With Connection - An Example
Hi all,
If you are receiving this link, you responded to my instagram poll, saying that it would be valuable to know how I addressed my son’s behaviour.
I don’t usually share much about my kids and I have to say I do feel a little uncomfortable writing this - just for the sake of his privacy and all that. He’s such a sweet kid and it’s such a skewed bit of information on a couple areas of improvement. I decided to share anyway because of the hundreds of people who told me they need help with this topic. So, let me tell you exactly what happened.
Recently we discovered that we have a bunch of cousins we didn’t know existed. Woah! Seriously cool. Better still, 2 of the cousins’ sons are my son’s age (he just turned six) - in the same year at nearby schools. Having two sisters, he’s ALWAYS talked about how he wishes there were some boys in the family. His new cousins came over for a play on the weekend and they got on so well. You can understand why he was so excited. According to research, heightened emotional states can cause an increase in impulsivity, especially for a child’s brain - and this is exactly what happened. Long story short, his behaviour spiralled. Our main issues centred around:
Respect for other people’s property.
Addressing interpersonal issues (in this case, with his sister) constructively.
Rules around the use of swear words.
His behaviour has needed a bit of extra attention lately - and the weekend pushed it over the limit and set us off on a bit of a crash course. I am going to share what we are doing.
There is a lot more to be said that would make these tips more applicable to a wider range of children and situations, which I will continue to cover in future content. This is just a sort of case study. I did not want to overload my kid, so I picked just a few strategies to focus on for this week. I want to preface this by saying that what I am writing here is all about my goals and successes. I mess up, I get burnt-out and I say the wrong thing but I am always trying my best to improve. I don’t want you to ever read my stuff and compare yourself because you’re only seeing part of the picture. I just want to share the parts that are working, in case it helps you out.
My initial response:
I reminded myself: This process will yield better results if we remain connected the whole way through. I will separate my child from his behaviour and work together as a team.
I took him into a room away from everyone so he would not feel humiliated and to give him a chance to relax a bit (calming down makes a child’s brain more receptive to absorbing new, logical information). I told him that although I understand that excitement can make us act impulsively, he is not allowed to disrespect anyone, or their property (this separates my child from his behaviour so he thinks “my behaviour was wrong” instead of “I am bad”). I let him know that if this continued I would have to remove him from the environment. I tried my best to make sure this did not sound like a threat, but more of a “hey buddy, if you’re having trouble controlling yourself I am here to help you out” sort of vibe. Kids need to feel like we’re on top of the situation in this way, and that that their dysregulation or behaviour is not too much for us.
Later that day:
After our guests left, I told my son that as a result of his behaviour, I would be cancelling a playdate for that week that he had been looking forward to (I explained the situation to the other child’s parents). My reason was that I am not willing to accept what went on, and to ensure that the situation does not repeat, we would not be able to have anyone over until I am confident that things would be different. I hugged him, told him I loved him and let him know that we will get through this as a team, and that I would think a bit and let him know what he can do to change things around. I told him I believe in him and I am with him every step of the way.
Throughout the week:
I remind myself: I celebrate progress over perfection.
We have gradually been implementing little “lessons”. My aim is to approach these with warmth and motivation: my aim is to guide, not control. I am his team leader.
Note: In order to address behaviour in a way that teaches children new and lasting skills, while preserving their sense of self-worth and our relationship, our approach cannot be fear-based. Fear-based tactics such as punishments have been proven not to last and are harmful to the parent-child relationship as well as the child’s mental health. Change that is not fear-based require more patience because a child is actually learning skills that are not intuitive or easy.
The lessons:
“Non-violent communication” technique:
We have talked about this before at home but we revisited a 4-step-process of conflict resolution that I learnt from author Marshall Rosenberg. He says that during interpersonal issues, these are the steps to take:
What did you observe? This should be stated without any assumptions. Eg. I saw that you took my poster off my wall. Without using blaming or accusatory language like “you didn’t care”.
How do you feel? Expanding a child’s emotional vocabulary can help with this.
What do you need? This need is a personal need, and is not specific to the other person. For example: Instead of “I need you to…” a need would be “for my boundaries to be respected”, “for my voice to be heard” etc.
What is your request? For example, I request that you ask me if you want to borrow something.
Engaging in this process allows a child to express themselves fully, making it less likely that they will resort to unhelpful verbal or physical forms of emotional expression. I know this sounds like a lot for a child to grasp but with repeated exposure AND modelling of these steps by parents, it starts to sink in. There have been many times when my kids have used this process themselves, but especially at young ages it does require some ongoing effort to maintain. My almost 9-year-old daughter is at the age where she uses it more consistently.
Respectful siblings: This week we focused on maintaining respect for other people’s property and not going into someone’s room without their permission. With any boundary we must always identify any skills that, once developed, will help a child behave as expected. In line with this, we talked about pausing (coming up next), asking for clarification if we’re not sure of something (like asking a sibling if we’re allowed to go in their room while they’re not there) and considering ourselves in another person’s situation. I asked my son, roles reversed, how he’d feel.
The importance of pausing: We chatted about how life-changing it can be to pause before we react to our feelings, impulses, or another person’s words or behaviour. To help with this skill, in real time, catch your kids when they are about to react and, with compassion, remind them that this is the moment to pause and think. They will be more likely to succeed if you have had the chat prior (remember what we said about the brain being more receptive to absorbing new logical information in calmer moments). Because their brains are still developing, it is normal for kids to struggle with impulsivity. However, they can definitely begin to develop the important skill of learning to pause and act with intention.
Swearing: This is up to the discretion of each parent and I will save discussing our house rules around this for another time but we spoke about our expectations. My husband and I try to acknowledge the curiosity around words that seem to hold so much power, and encourage our kids to come to us if they want to talk about any new or interesting words they might learn. We explained why some of them can be offensive or inappropriate. I am trying to keep this concise but if you’d like to know more about how we approach swearing at home, shoot me a message and maybe if there’s enough interest I’ll write something up.
Making sure to stay connected and focus on related positive attributes: Throughout the process I have been reflecting on how much I love and admire my son’s energy and enthusiasm, (and even his cheekiness/humour when it does not go too far!) I want him to know that I love all parts of him and he is not a “bad kid” just because his behaviour needs addressing, and that sometimes it’s just about learning new skills and directing energy in the right way.
Our boundary: Our family has been invited to one of the cousin’s houses for afternoon tea on Sunday. My son knows that he will not be joining us unless I see significant effort towards the mentioned issues. He knows that I am together with him in this process, that I believe in him, and that I am excited to see him succeed. He knows that I am not implementing this boundary out of anger or with any intent to punish him. It is a natural consequence that was born from one of the most fundamental expectations I have of my children: That they respect themselves, other people, and the world around them.
We try to commend him when we see effort. For example, yesterday he was angry with me over a boundary that I had to implement. He ran to his room and would not let me in. I knocked on the door and said I would like to talk about it - to which he responded “we will talk. I am just taking some time before I react because I don’t want to scream at you.” He came out about 5 minutes later, gave me a hug and told me he’s ready to talk. We then went through the four-step process mentioned above. I acknowledged the following things:
He was able to pause before responding in a way he knew would not be respectful.
He engaged in the 4-step process with compassion and understanding (I reminded him of the steps as we went).
This next step will not be for every child but I know it suits my son who likes this sort of thing: I will be giving him a “worksheet” (which I will frame as a sort of game) with questions about what we’ve learnt this week. I will make it fun and colourful with stickers and maybe some humour added, too. I haven’t made it yet but it will have questions like:
What should I do when I feel the urge to rip my sister’s poster off her wall?
What 4 steps should I follow when I have an issue with another person’s behaviour?
What should I do when I want to use a swear word?
And so on.
In our house we value progress over perfection. I know this last part might sound a bit much, but I think he will be into it and I know that discussing his answers will help to consolidate the learning process. It will hopefully be enjoyable and not stressful: maybe we’ll go through it while we are lying on the couch cuddling!
All my advice is based on research and reliable theories, and if you have any questions about any of it I am always here. Send me a DM on instagram or you can reach me at tammy@tammyviterbo.com
Speak soon xx